Knowing is a Step

In the days where people see me way above their pedestals, I woke up lost again for only God knows how long.

I had plans, working plans that I only remember when I'm about to wake up blank again, leaves me with the question 'Do people truly find themselves?

I can't seem to make out my dreams and realities, the more I try the more lost I feel deep beneath where only scary voices sing me to sleep at dawn for the joy of dining with the shadows only I could see in the dark. 

I don't feel sane anymore. Scared to be alone and with anyone at the same time, I remain alone hoping to find the peace I feel leaving my soul with every breath the second I realized I had it.

"Fake it till you live it" Now the question is when you faked it, did you truly be it, or is it now your good bad habit?

Like re-living the most painful moment of your life, every second; the pain grows with my age and still keeps me locked in to find healing from all the wounds I never thought I had.

It took the testimony of a broken mother who lost her child to realize that I've been slipping in for awhile with "I'm good" He withdrew from everything and everyone she said for a jovial teen. "Talk To Someone." But why should I when I know I got this? They think I got it so I thought I got it too and I'm sure he got it too until he don't got it.

The ground feels closer these days from my balcony on the last floor of a three-story building, I could reach the ground without breaking a sweat I feel lately. I bet those were the symptoms of the deceased too.

What is fun for me?

I have been Locked in for almost forever now, there's nothing fun anywhere I figured; I don't know what's fun for me.

I should have a favorite food too but wouldn't know because I probably never tasted it; I realized I know no food other than rice cooked differently, I chose to go hungry instead so you think I just don't like food.

I used to love purple but nearly never use it,  might even pass for my favorite color at that time, then a sudden sense of nature took over me I had to be a show-off when I could go all green up down but, as the beauty I found recently in watching the sunset, I'm starting to like yellow however, I'll stick to black since I can't decide. 

Truth is a bitter pill that people have to just close their eyes and take it with patience; especially those showing affection yet I wonder why I barely have a conversation outside of myself. I seem to be reliving the same nightmare all my life and I just realize that I Don't Know Who I am, that's what's killing me; not the pain you know I'm going through.

Do people truly find themselves when they say "I found myself"?... 

I have been here too long and the only thing that changed was that I Know I'll wake up blank again.