Locked In Forever

I could have died that night.

I felt my spirit leave my body.

Second painful experience but worse if I had gone I bet my ass on meeting him unprepared.

The cut went too deep and was hurting my bones that my flesh had no choice but to run for their lives.

Now with a naked soul I stand.

You could've seen that I needed help but you were lost in the tiniest memory I dropped in your darkest part.

I tuned down my volume way too low I broke the knob.

Now to the skies I pray that you connect to the roots and see that I've been LOCKED IN FOREVER

 

Devil and Danger

Walking the path that seem right to all

It is worth the try the inner circle says

Deep down I know it always ends in tears

The price you pay for walking the dead path with no direction.

"Trust me to go down with you, believe me I know my way around here for I was here before you"

I was certain, that must be the most high.

They said alot about the eleventh hour

"He shows up when you least expected to take the glory"

I am on a crossed road and I'm hoping for something as little to him as a direction.

Were they wrong?

All the evidences put out there.

The things I've seen and heard?

The road is endless and rugose, least to say it is the twelfth hour but he's never late

Hard choices, wrong and right you never know until you make them.

"He is in your head telling you the right thing if only you'd pay attention".

But there are a thousand voices in my ill-lit pile and I think there should be some specifications other than 'faint voice' for the frequencies are all the same

If only they'd tell you the truth you'd know that I'm sane.

Difficult decision is having to choose between love and hate for they both yield the same outcome HURT

You let the demons took over when I made the right call, they got you to sign a deal with the devil to punish me for choosing to love you right, the price I had to pay for letting the bad one go in your name.

My home no longer feels like home for I'm faced with the same demons now that he's making the same call I made when you signed off that deal.

Making the right decision is doing the wrong thing in the eyes of God but considering that I have everything to loose, I'm forced to choose between the devil and the danger...

I chose DANGER and became the DEVIL.

I Am Her God

I found a friend in her

She found a foe in me

I go to any length to please her

But the length she can go to destroy me is limitless...

Daughter of Eve

More deadly than the legendary serpent that destroyed the existence of man.

A weapon of emotional destruction in a subtle way that suits the soul while it burns.

Her ability of doing evil in a more godly way than the wicked one is heavenly.

Daughter of Eve

Hatefully loving, so passionately with the joy of being the devil's godchild.

I am her religion.

She preaches me advertently to he who doesn't care to listen with the aim of doing harm.

Daughter of Eve was the 'he' in devil's name that tried to cripple me from within my stray demons...

But their loyalty goes beyond gaying the ass of a new god on human level.

 

Trapped

Here I am again lonely in the hours of the dead, my body advertently refused to obey the order of nature to set my spirit free

Asking the same questions over and over.

Looking at the peace in which you lay for your body as the rest had set your spirit free according to nature's command.

Did I acted fast?
My heart was convinced that the human laying beside my body should be far from my soul but I might have open an unknown gate playfully for the tone he uses now was meant for the god to whom I belonged but, he's the one here and he got the wrong message written with pen without eraser.
A mistake I can't correct without leaving a trace.

Was I above myself again?
Same script playing different casts but this time with a little twist in which the tree has no escape roots
But this shouldn't be a problem
"Heartless" is one of my infamous titles constantly playing on the tongues of men but I lack the balls they see in me
So I prayed...

Rare

I felt the rush

The flames burned from way inside
I felt the need to meet again
A feeling so rare I gave it all up with no hesitation

I felt the deceit
But also the comfort in your warm  embrace
The cognac taste of your lips and your gentle touch hits the button from where nothing starts to make sense at the very end.

I let the rare go

My Biggest Mistake

 

For the first time I have a different answer even in my head

For the first time I feel differently about the answer I often give when I'm asked this simple question

'How Are You'?

Even if I say the truth they wouldn't understand I tell myself, I chose to drown instead and tell me that all is well with a grin how I'm raised.

For the first time my soul feels the need to be free since there's no other way to less the pain like I always do.

Sing, well part of the gifts I came with but it doesn't work the hurt like it does to others.

So I sweat out the pain in dance and let the rest fly with the smoke of nature

I'M FINE my ultimate answer

It took one good experience of watchng people fall like flies and seeing that it could be me the next minute to realise how worthless life can be.

And since I couldn't sweat it out with my leg missing in action I resolve to tell me how I truly feel but realized I don't even know how I feel but I know MY SOUL IS BROKEN

The pain of accidents, rapes, betrayals, lack, wants, needs, unknown broken heart, I can go on and on but Nobody really cares so I kept them all bottle up inside knowing I'd probably never get the chance to have the feel of what 'Living' truly mean.

All I'm trying to say is that, the tears you tag of joy and the smile you wish you had were the only scenes I ever acted right.

But since you asked I'll take it that you care and for that, I think you deserve to know the truth even though you can do nothing to change that.

I'M NOT FINE.

But I had the chance to create better memories.

I didn't take it and that was

MY BIGGEST MISTAKE.

 

A Complete Package Of Nothing

 

If it doesn't happen the way it did

You wouldn't have known it the way you do...

Lots of love shown out of hate

Truly and deeply loving hatefully in a way that confuses the heart of the weak in to mistaking a hateful love for a loving hatred.

If it doesn't happen the way it did

You wouldn't have known that

The one you could've eternally quit breathing for is the strings behind whatever rhythm that could've let to your end from the beginning for to them

It has always been a mission

While you genuinely needed no reason...

If it doesn't happen the way it did

You wouldn't have known that

To understand true love

one must die and resurrect to self love with deep understanding of how to cross the 'Ts' and dot the 'Is' in trying to breach the gap between me, myself and I.

If it doesn't happen the way it did

You wouldn't have known what it really means to truly understand what they mean by "those who stood by me when I helplessly needed someone "

And the ones there for what they stand to gain.

If it doesn't happen the way it did

You wouldn't have known that trust is the only key that unlocks the gates of hell on he who chooses to lay down his guard for love in destructive terms without a back up plan.

You wouldn't have known that love is indeed destructive in nature no matter the level of happiness you're in or how far in heavens from where the love is shown.

If it doesn't happen the way it did

You wouldn't have known how to look at you from outside of yourself in a way that screams Growth.

You would've been a waste of clay on the part of God but He makes no mistakes so A COMPLETE PACKAGE OF NOTHING would've been you...

 

Wicked Is Good

 

Hell above the sky.

That's where I recide.

On the feet of the Lord, I watch them bow in submission where I sit on the throne of the kingdom I rule in the land of the nod.

Heaven is my footstool but hell is my aboard.

Like the silence in loud I find peace  in the warmth of her teary laughter of pain.

I love her so much I rather watch her vanish with history than hate her genuinely to ease off her pain for humanity sake.

 

 

Choices Within

 

Standing between light and darkness

Some people call it good and evil

Others call it love and hate

But I see those as choices within

I recieved hate for the love I gave

The choice you made and I respect

So I go with the evil in place of my good making me radiate the rays of darkness in dark times

 

Evil is of god and the devil lend you a power to resurrect a soul into furnace but

Thanks to my demons you would've been long gone and forgotten

So let's merry for life is short and the days are as the nights with stormy  rain in which I walk with teary smile letting the dark light my way through a haunted wilderness

 

I know not when he'd call me home so I learn to smile often with the tears for I was taught to evince a little late but I hope it's not too late to learn a genuine smile.

The nights are long and the days as dark

The only light we see are the rays of drab

In a world where only love can hurt you real bad to make you find solace In dark.

 

"In the last day" the light and dark shall come together in conspiracy against the heavens to send you to hell while still on earth but you had to play a role by letting your love for 'more' and hate for good take the better part of you so it showed you how to love only in the language of Doom.

Willingly you chose dark in the name of God

 

HURT IS A WAY OF LIFE

 

Do you really feel less burden when you share your problems? 

It is safe to say you are not alone if you feel contrite instead.

They said that when you share your problems with others one thing happens, "you'll be relieved of your burden" as it is pretty much the simplest thing to do for most people if not everyone.

I attempted to share a fraction of my truth once, I still can feel that moment haunting my kids unborn because as much as the world preaches being oneself, nobody truly cares for my first genuine applaud came from the mere impersonation of a god I created in the dark.

Down with the thought of being the only weirdo ever existed and no one would ever understand me  I  always wake up on the same spot with different faces to the reason why I'm here.

I only realized now that it has always been me holding me back; then I woke up blank again but since then I decided I'll stay awake forever if that's what it takes.

Understanding that some known truth is not meant to be known has always been the key, if only I paid attention I'd tell you how they did it.

Well, no one understands is my ultimate excuse for hiding in my shell when I should be dancing in the rain no matter how cold it gets or how hard the ice hits enough to break my head.

FRIENDSHIPS

 What is the essence of a shoulder to lean on when the offer is from where your hurt came? 

Everybody's bestfriend was the cause of the most painful hurt of their lives but truth hurts more, so it's best if we all dwell in denial and 'woe betide thee; oh thou alien bold enough to play the role of a true friend heartily.

Like the special offense that hurts us the most which we never get to talk about and remain friends who could push pillows late hours.

What is the essence of shared problem for sanity's sake when apart from me the only person you trust with your secret is the world?

Like the hidden truth behind every godly immortal and the mortal mind, life is a mystery!

But why is it so important to have friends if you have to fake the smile, bury the truth or forever be alone.  

What is the essence of friendship when we can't guarantee at least fifty percent of the loyalty we give?

Knowing is a Step

In the days where people see me way above their pedestals, I woke up lost again for only God knows how long.

I had plans, working plans that I only remember when I'm about to wake up blank again, leaves me with the question 'Do people truly find themselves?

I can't seem to make out my dreams and realities, the more I try the more lost I feel deep beneath where only scary voices sing me to sleep at dawn for the joy of dining with the shadows only I could see in the dark. 

I don't feel sane anymore. Scared to be alone and with anyone at the same time, I remain alone hoping to find the peace I feel leaving my soul with every breath the second I realized I had it.

"Fake it till you live it" Now the question is when you faked it, did you truly be it, or is it now your good bad habit?

Like re-living the most painful moment of your life, every second; the pain grows with my age and still keeps me locked in to find healing from all the wounds I never thought I had.

It took the testimony of a broken mother who lost her child to realize that I've been slipping in for awhile with "I'm good" He withdrew from everything and everyone she said for a jovial teen. "Talk To Someone." But why should I when I know I got this? They think I got it so I thought I got it too and I'm sure he got it too until he don't got it.

The ground feels closer these days from my balcony on the last floor of a three-story building, I could reach the ground without breaking a sweat I feel lately. I bet those were the symptoms of the deceased too.

What is fun for me?

I have been Locked in for almost forever now, there's nothing fun anywhere I figured; I don't know what's fun for me.

I should have a favorite food too but wouldn't know because I probably never tasted it; I realized I know no food other than rice cooked differently, I chose to go hungry instead so you think I just don't like food.

I used to love purple but nearly never use it,  might even pass for my favorite color at that time, then a sudden sense of nature took over me I had to be a show-off when I could go all green up down but, as the beauty I found recently in watching the sunset, I'm starting to like yellow however, I'll stick to black since I can't decide. 

Truth is a bitter pill that people have to just close their eyes and take it with patience; especially those showing affection yet I wonder why I barely have a conversation outside of myself. I seem to be reliving the same nightmare all my life and I just realize that I Don't Know Who I am, that's what's killing me; not the pain you know I'm going through.

Do people truly find themselves when they say "I found myself"?... 

I have been here too long and the only thing that changed was that I Know I'll wake up blank again.